Mrs. Swiatek, known for her crazy experiments, has successfully failed once again by turning her coworkers into off-brand minions. She was attempting to develop a way to make beakers self-clean themselves using caffeine and
unobtainium, but instead invented a solution that transforms humans into minions. She realized that the moon was stealing all of the light during the night, and discovered that if the moon was in her house, she would never
have to pay another electric bill. Swiatek began her plans for Operation: Yoink The Moon.
Swiatek needed some help on this huge project: people who were curious and rebellious enough to take part in such a dangerous mission. She took the newly created concoction and added it to a loaf of banana bread which was then placed in the faculty lounge next to a sign that read “DO NOT EAT!” Mrs. Stickler was the first to try this delicious treat and stated, “during my first bite, I felt pure banana bread joy. By the second bite, I felt unstoppable. Afterwards, things got a little…yellow.” When being questioned about the sign on the tray, she reported that “the sign made it taste more trustworthy,” and she initially thought it was “reverse psychology or a test of [her] commitment to free snacks.” By lunchtime, all the science teachers had eaten the bread and were transformed into minions. This transformation was supposed to be permanent, however, it seems to be tied to potassium. As long as they keep eating bananas, they remain yellow-hued and loyal to Swiatek. The other teachers were unable to comment on this, as they heard the word “banana” and immediately started asking where.
Once the entire science department was under her influence, Swiatek gave them all special jobs. Ms. Holland was in charge of public relations. Her job was to make sure that all of their secrets were hidden from the public, and planned to steal the moon the day before a lunar eclipse to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Mrs. Maitner was the Director of Ballistics and Trajectory. She calculated the exact location and amount of Universal glue needed to break apart and hide the moon. She stated, “trajectories mostly look like parabolas, which are my favorite shape because bananas also look like parabolas.” Ms. Malecki was the Assistant Director of Lunar Relocation. She helped Maitner with her calculations, and kept Operation: Yoink the Moon on a strict timeline. Stickler was the Nutritional Overlord. Her job was to press the “DO NOT PRESS” button at the exact wrong time, make sure all the bananas met mission standards and nod seriously at blueprints she did not understand. Ms. Wila was head of the Cover-Up division. She made sure that their operation was invisible to the outside world, mainly focusing on distracting the administration and substitute teachers.
The process of planning the operation involved many meetings in a confidential room, which happened to be the supply closet behind the broken Bunsen burners. They made their blueprints and plans in the back of a faculty meeting and constructed the moon retrieval device during the course of three prep periods and a very productive Saturday afternoon. To hide the blueprints, Wila labeled them as “extra science worksheets” and changed the security footage into clips of students doing work, an event so rare it would never be suspicious. The execution of the plan went mostly smoothly, as they were able to blame the disappearance of the moon on budget cuts; however, there were three things that threw the plan off course. A huge challenge for the mission was gravity. Malecki reported that “holding the giant net was extremely tiring, [and] our first rope was burned up by the atmosphere and the backup rope was being used by maintenance.” They tried to negotiate with the moon to come down, but it was not interested in collaboration, so they had to lure the moon closer with a flashlight and a very convincing PowerPoint presentation. Communication was another issue, as the walkie talkies only reached the parking lot. Once the team got above cloud level, they had to switch to yelling. They couldn’t always hear what the other person was saying so they had to switch to minionese, a simpler form of communication which can only be understood by minions. Budget constraints also became a problem. When their funding request for rocket fuel was denied, they had to pivot to a leaf blower-based propulsion system to shoot them up to the moon, which did not succeed.
Once they had the moon in their possession, the team launched into Phase Two: Distribute The Moon. Swiatek stated, “lunar basalt is like space diamonds to the general public.” So, they decided to sell it in order to get a new centrifuge, since the price has gone up astronomically recently. Swiatek also has dreams of a solid gold periodic table, which the school budget does not cover. When it came to taking the moon pieces apart, they shot the moon with Anti-Universal glue that fractured the moon. Then, they were able to replace one section of the moon at a time so the luminescence was consistent throughout the night and no one awoke from their slumber.
Overall, Operation: Yoink The Moon was a surprising success. The moon has now been replaced with chemically altered banana pieces and the real one has been sold, with the money going towards the Swiatek electric bill and centrifuge fund. However, the team has not been disbanded and is allegedly planning another heist for the future. Maitner and the rest of the crew are sworn to secrecy by Swiatek about the details for the next mission and were unable to provide The Blue & White any information on the topic.
Although the teachers appear to be back to normal now, there have been anonymous reports of seeing yellow glowing from under their clothes and smudged makeup revealing yellow underneath. Are they still trying to cover up the mission? Do they steal bananas from students and other staff members? What is the next heist, and when will it happen? Keep your friends close, and your bananas closer.
Happy April Fools!
